Survival guide for "I literally cannot will myself to get up" depression days

Disclaimer: this by any means NOT always work but this is straight out of one of those days for me.

So let's set the stage. You wake up. Maybe you have physical discomforts. But you know, stricken with the knowledge that you cannot get out of bed today. Maybe it's some carry over fight from last night or some really restless nightmarish sleep. Maybe you dipped into the depression spectrum; and it was just incubating last night like a cold. But this morning, today, you can't get up.

Ok so first cover you bases. Do you have a job? Find a way to take the day off (fingers crossed no big projects depend on you). If you're needed for work then try to work from home, it will ease the pain. Now when you ask for the day off, or rather inform your team you will be out sick today you have to be careful how you do it. Do not lie. If you have a headache then you can tell them that's why. If you are having a panic attack, anxiety attack, something non-physical it's better to just call it a "sick day" or a "personal day." Corporate America businesses still stigmatizes mental health issues. It's really easy to lose you job if someone finds out. Now if your team and/or team leader knows of your condition then be frank. Tell them you need a mental health day. You NEVER have to tell anyone your personal business. Your health comes first. It's gonna be a rough day.

Do you live with someone? I'm going to just focus on if you live with someone who knows of your condition. Maybe you've taken a few more days off lately than "looks good" for your imagine. But today you can't do it. Tell your loved one, my boyfriend, for example that you are not going to work. Explain to them you have already informed work and got the consent to do it. They will worry you're sabatoging your career just because "you don't feel like getting out of bad today." Someone truly who understands will be concerned but trust your decision to stay home.

Do you live alone? This is going to be a real rougher. Whoever is in your support system call them now. See if they can come. You're gonna want to do something stupid or not move all day which will be also pretty bad. You need motivation to at the very least put some crackers in your mouth and stop crying continuously for hours on end. 

Do you really live alone? Pets are people too. Then you're not alone. Don't shut them out. They can sense when things are wrong. They might annoy you or been really needy when all you want to do is curl up and stare at the wall. That's ok, allow yourself some time to do thT. Shut them out for a short period of time if really need be. But then let them back in. Focus on them. Even though you're resisting because you want to be totally alone to feel completely helpless and spiral into your depression, you can't. They depend on you. You cannot neglect them. You don't have to pet or even touch them. Just let them in the dark cave you're hiding in. Let them lay next to or on you. They're just saying hi.

Don't have a support system? Try to sleep. DO NOT abuse your prescriptions but if you need to take that Xanax or whatever the doctor gave you for anxiety. Sleep the day off.

Ok now they know you're not coming in the office or signing online today. If you're like me, guilt will set in at this point. You will feel 10x worse than before even though you knew the best course of action was to remove work from the equation. Personally, I just think this comes from when I was little and often had to go home for migraines. My teachers never believed me until I threw up on their desks from the light sensitivity. I ALWAYS cried when I had to call my mum to pick me up from school and take me home. Some sort of guilt embedded in me. I don't know where it came from, I was a good student despite my ailments.

So let's bounce back. That support system, can you talk to them throughout the day? My boyfriend and I are fortunate to be able to text during works hours. You're going to want to lay there in silence and rip yourself into pieces inside you head. But you might hear a little "ding." You've got a text or message of some sort. Ignore it for a few minutes if you must but do not forget about it. Pick up the phone, it will feel disgusting. You want to be alone wallowing in sorrow. Text says, "hi," or "how are you?." For me, I'm frank and dramatic. So I put my feelings into words but my boyfriend knows how to read me. He distracts me with baby slothes getting baths, asking about what's for dinner, have I eaten breakfast? He actually cares. So for the most part I one word reply and then don't do anything to keep the conversation. Turn back over and wallow. Eventually I'm sternly directed to eat something. Since I know it will get me less bothered I do it.

Some words on eating. When I'm depressed I do not eat. Or drink, anything. Of course I eventually get hunger pains but those eventually pass. And the only getting out of bed I do is to get water or go pee. I had my most horrible stretch of major depression in 2013 after a particularly rough breakup *details redacted*. I lost 30 pounds, luckily I didn't have a job to lose but I was slipping in my classes. It finally got to the final hour. And instead of "ending my sentence" I semicolon-ed. I reached out for help. But that's besides the point. Back on the topic of food, if you want to waste away, don't. If you can muster a craving eat whatever that craving is. Or trust your support system/boyfriend/girlfriend/care taker to give you food. Don't fight, just eat some of it.

So you're home alone and your cats aren't butlers. You need to roll, melt, do whatever to get out of bed and find a snack. You don't want to eat. Everything seems like sawdust, you don't want any of it. Too bad, food is now medicine. Take your medicine. (Also on a side note try to find a way to take your actual prescriptions).

Ok. You did that? You got a snack, scurried back to bed with a spoon and nibbled on whatever? Good you opened the door and probably forgot to close it. Guess what? Cats* come pouring in. The light from the door makes them look like angels when really they ar Devils in disguise. Let them annoy you. For me at this point I'll either actually swoosh them out of the room which requires getting up or just stand up so I stop getting clawed or wet nose wiped on. 

Aha! I stood up! I didn't realize it was I was getting food but I got up twice. Now here's the important part. Is there something I can do? A project? Clean a single thing? Do just one thing before I lay back down. I'm a little OCD or just like a hyper organizer so I noticed my shelves fell off the wall last night so they need to be put back up. But this requires drill, nail, level, charchol pencil, etc. A BIG job, too big. So instead I go in my closet and pull out these special hangers. I think they are for ties but I'm using them for long thigh high socks. Idea! I can use the other one for belts so they are more organized and not hidden in the closet (hang them off the back off the door with an over the door hook. Mission accomplished. I did a thing!

Naturally for me, cleaning de-stresses me. I think it's the main reason I make messes in the first please. So today as I wrote this blog, there a MANY things that need to be cleaned and organized. And we have company coming tomorrow so it can't actually be put off. I have things to keep my mind off the darkness for as long as I can tolerate being mobile and empty headed. 

I made the bed before I wrote this post, it made curling up feel nicer and easier but all the other stuff I see I just want to fix. My arms and legs are too heavy. I think I'll just lay down for a bit and try again in 20 minutes. At least if I don't move again until my boyfriend comes home, I will have accomplished something instead of doing something destructive to myself or my body.

Let's take this minute by minute, hour by hour. There's going to be relief soon. Maybe only briefly but it will pass, it always does. I have my new little semicolon tattoo reminder for when I'm alone. It will be ok. Let's get through today and worry about tomorrow when it's tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

Movies, movies, movies!

This isn't a real post. Just a list of movies I want to see (don't judge because most I don't care to see in theaters):

2015
the Vatican tapes
the gift
trainwreck
hobbit: battle of five armies
maze runner 2
almanac
pan

JAN
The 5th wave
The Boy
400 days
Kung Fu panda 3
The forest
The revenant

FEB
Gods of Egypt
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Deadpool
Zoolander 2
Viral (2016)
How to be single?

MAR
Zootopia
The other side of the door
Divergent: allegiant

APR
Jungle book
Huntsman: Winter's War
Ratchet & Clank
Before I wake?
amityville: the awakening

MAY
Star Trek Beyond
Alive through the looking glass
x-men: apocalypse

JUN
Warcraft
Finding Dory
Independence Day: Resurgence
The conjuring 2: the enfield poltergeist

JUL
How to train your dragon 3
Now you see me 2?
The secret life of pets

AUG

SEP

OCT
Underworld 5

NOV
Doctor Strange
Fantastic beasts and where to find them?

DEC
Jumanji?
Rogue One A Star Wars Story


If you have an suggestions shoot them my way! This was just a browsing of the movies currently scheduled to come out this year thus far. And yes I DO like foreign films, I'm just picky.

Happy new year 2016: reflections, hopes and "filled with determination"...

Always the new years resolutions. Mine is single, maintain this blog at the very least bi-monthly. I think I could easyly do weekly if this would load at work so I'm going to work on getting that sorted as soon as I can.

Reflections from last year

Last year was an exciting year. Matt and I moved in together in February. We got babies in May. We went to Gen con (second time for me). We went to Austin (first for me). And I went to San Francisco (for work). Matt got a job; I got a raise and a bonus at the beginning of the year. I started working on painting again and other projects. My steady weight is about 10-20 pounds lower than the beginning of the year. And I started some box subscriptions (which I'm going to start some unboxing posts this new year). I threw myself into a really big project at work and am leading the way for my teammates to use a new tool. I feel proud for stepping up; and although there have been many, many long nights and much support, I feel like I've accomplished something big.

The not-so-good. My bipolar is not stabilized. I went into a deep depression that affected my work, had to start seeing a therapist again and have been doing medicine swaps almost every visit. It's not been a good year health wise. I've been experiencing my first long set of mania (it's been about a month now). I spent way too much money. I no longer have easy fall back money. Just the money I intend for a down payment on a house. No extra savings despite the automatic deposit from my checks. Bad times.

Looking forward to the new year

There's a lot of things I want to try to do this year. I'm just gonna list them (this list might grow post live publish) My thought is 28 things for the 28 years I am for now:

1. Unboxing posts
2. Read/Audio listen 6 books
3. Paint, paint, paint (no set number but finish my backlogged ideas.
4. Ravio and Hilda cosplay (before august)
5. Lolita cosplay
6. Bring my baseline weight down another 10-20 pounds
7. Be more consistent in taking my daily meds (I've really been bad at this for the last 3 months)
8. Pass my good cholesterol tests for my yearly health review from work
9. Go to a Ferndale board game group night
10. Go to a GOB game night
11. Get back into D&D
12. Get finances back on track (use mint again)
13. Maintain a splurge budget better
14. Visit family more
15. Don't break the habit of photo memories for ALL THE THINGS!
16. Do a scrapbook
17. Origin Con
18. Volunteer 3 times (full days)
19. Spring clean and actually get rid of stuff
20. 12 movies in the year (all never seen) 6 new, 6 old AND reviewed
21. Try to get back into video games
22. ✅ Gamer fleece blanket
23. Start Halloween quilt
24. work from 6,000 steps a day to 8,000 a day by end of year
25. Learn some scripting and actually apply it to something useful
26. Get media center for living room
27. stick to hair color choice from beginning of year (aka stick with this skunk streak)
28. End of year I start looking for a house!!!!

Other stuff happening. We're going to Gen con again this year with at least 1 couples cosplay. I want to shoot for a lolita one too but we'll see. We will also be going to Jamaica! I want to recreate some pictures from my parents honeymoon, possibly swim with dolphins, snorkel and do the free stuff. Maybe there will be zip lining involved. Possibly visiting an open market. And maybe visiting Bob Marley's place. There's so many possibilities.

Thanks it for right now! I might try to back log som unboxings for Gamer Girl Monthly (because I totally forget for Ipsy and Birchbox) and I can probably scoured back out all the Pusheen items from the Pusheen box.

Thanks for reading guys, see you soon!

Mania: mini update

So I think I might be in the midst of a mania cycle. My mind is humming a million miles a minute, I'm stumbling over my words and I'm highly productive. Productive to the point where when I'm not doing anything I feel anxious and like I'm not doing enough. I guess it would be a good time to give the house a real good clean down or start a few projects I've been meaning to start (but they required planning and I need to buy stuff to begin). Planning is difficult because I really need to think things out, which is hard when I'm switch from here to there every other second. Money...I should just stay away from buying things. I've somehow already put my bank account in a tight spot, not sure how it happened.

It's been a while since I've felt this way to this extreme so I'm not sure what to do with myself. I don't really have the attention span to stick to one thing too long (although I did marathon 4 seasons of Legend of Korra over the weekend). Watching things is easy because I get involved in the story and the characters but it's just a waste of time. When, instead I could be learning things or getting stuff done.

I don't really have much more to talk about because it's hard to keep my train of thought before jumping to the next thing.

I did plan a my very first adult trip to Austin next month from the 10th-17th. My boyfriend are flying out to stay with some really close friends. No big plans as of yet, I'm just excited to see my best friend. Then I turn around on the 18th to fly out for a conference for work in San Francisco! I'm a bit scared about that to be honest but I'm going to try to make the best of it. It's going to be really tiresome to go from plan ride to plane ride back to back. I 'll be out there until Thursday, so I'm debating taking a vacation day that Friday or just work from home. I'm going to be really drained I'm sure but this is just how the cookies crumbled. I'd been planning the Austin trip for a while and the conference didn't seem like it was going to happen even though I spoke to my team lead about it earlier in the year. I just hope I don't be a stick in the mud and can actually mingle and network.

Work has been insane. I've been assigned to a special project that takes me away from my normal work and team. I miss the social aspect of seeing my team but at the same time I'm excited to learn all this new stuff. Eventually I'll be coming back with all the info to teach the team. But for now I'm taking it day by day trying to learn as much as possible and hope that it all sinks in and I get everything documented so I don't get stuck again. My "mentor" on this project is not a hand holder and I think I've gotten a little bad about trying to figure things out on my own so it's a good chance to reestablish those problem solving skills.

Also I signed up for a watercolor class for Monday nights but now I'm not sure if I should cancel or not. They pushed the start date back a week (so there goes one class I paid for) and then I will be missing two classes for the Austin trip and the work conference. So I'm just not sure if it's bad timing or if I should just do it anyway. I think I'll go to the first class and decide then. I still have a little time to drop and get my money back. I was just really, really looking forward to learning that medium.

It's been really hard for me on the weekends to get motivated enough to do just about anything recently so this "manic" feeling only started Monday. Now, there is a chance it could be a side effect of my new ADD medication but the symptoms seem to fit mania better. Or perhaps the ADD med is putting me in a manic state. I'm not sure. I've only been taking the new med for a little over a week now. I also missed 3 days of meds over the weekend (I know a big nono) so I'm not sure how my body is adjusting.

I see my therapist on the 23rd, I don't feel like I have much to talk about or work on. I dunno. I see my psychiatrist on the 3rd so it will be a while until I can adjust my meds, if needed. Which probably will considering I'm rapid cycling right now (the weekend I didn't want to move).

Anyway that's what's been up lately.

Up and down we go, when will it stop? I'll never know...

So recent update on the mental health journey. My work from home stent ended and I'm pretty much in the same boat as before. My social anxiety and GAD are an everyday occurrence and I'm trying to treat it without medication as best I can but I just end up taking a Xanax to calm down enough to concentrate. I'm just not sure how to cope anymore. I kind of think I'm depending on the Xanax even though whenever it happens I try to take 30 minutes to clam myself down before resorting to take the Xanax. But it's happening so often I can't keep it under control. I'm not sure if there's something more daily I could take to manage the anxiety rather then the quick fix Xanax. I've tried Abilify but it didn't work for me.

I'm on a new ADD medication, Concerta because I was concerned on getting hooked on the Ritalin. But now I'm beginning to think that was a bad idea. I don't feel like this new medication is working, now mind you I've only been taking it for a week. It's just the Ritalin kicked in right away, it just had such a short half life, I felt I was popping too many of them even though I was sticking to the directions and on a low dose. This is only one of the minor things I need to treat right now so it's kind of fallen by the wayside but it's really beginning to bother me. Whenever I take the time to just sit down and try to study something, I can't absorb the information. There's just no focus for me. Then  when it gets slow at work, I just web surf and I feel guilty and disgusted at myself that I'm not using every free minute to learn something. Because in the end, I want to move to a different role. I want more freedom and I just don't have those technical skills right now. So I NEED to learn. I'll have to address it sternly in my next appointment if I don't see any improvement by then. I'll probably ask to switch back to the old stuff even though my doctor will have push back. The Ritalin worked, I was just worried about the addiction aspects. Although I honestly don't feel I'm the type to get hooked. But if Ritalin is just a temporary fix I want something else anyway.

Next would be sleep. So the good news, I've been getting consistently sleepy every night around the same time. Now that isn't to say I can FALL asleep easily but my body knows when it's time for bed. So after many different meds (failed Trazodone which was a combo fall asleep and bipolar med to replace Xanax and Latuda; it made me sick if i didn't eat with it and I don't want to be eating at 9/10 pm at night) to FALL asleep we defaulted back to Xanax this week at a higher dose, 2mg. I know it works so I'm happy with that decision. Although now that I think about it, I filled a script for Valium but never started it so I'm not sure if I should have inquired as that as the fall asleep option.

The problem now is STAYING asleep. I'm a pretty light sleeper. I didn't have so much trouble when I was combo-ing Ambien and Xanax (and Latuda as the companion bipolar med), I slept like the dead and it felt great in the morning. But Ambien just magically stopped working. So I had to switch to something else. I started Restorial as my stay asleep med with Trazodone for my go to sleep med but I kept waking up periodically through the night so I never felt rested. I gave it over a month and no changes so I asked to switch to something else. Now with that being said we had eliminated Latuda from my regimen because a higher does made me sick. So we had to replace the companion bipolar medication with something else. Now I'm taking Seroquel. Apparently part of the side effects is sleepiness so it's supposed to be dual purpose for Bipolar and staying asleep. But the problem is that I'm still waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning everyday and not being able to fall back asleep despite staying the bed and trying my hardest to remind myself I still have tons of time I need to sleep. Again it's only been a week so I still have to give it time. I just want a combination that works like Ambien and Xanax did. Sleep is so crucial to my mood stabilization. I know I'm sleeping my life away when I'm taking 9-10 hours a night but it's the only way I feel rested and strong enough to take on a new day with all the challenges of the agonizing anxiety.

We wanted to nip the depression in the bud, so to speak so I started an antidepressant. Now I know from research SSIRs can create a lot of side effects and can even make bipolar worse. I started on a low dose of Prozac and recently uped to 40mg. I'm not sure if it's attributing to anything yet because there are so many other things going on right now. So many medication switches, dose changes and the like. I've tried Cymbalta and Wellbutrin when I was being wrongly diagnosed with depression and neither seemed to have effect at the time, but they might be viable options now if this doesn't work. 

Also on the depression note, I started counselling again with a new therapist. She's nice and I'm interested in her approach to treatment (cognitive behavioral) but I'm not sure it's working for me. I feel like I go into my session anxious because I have nothing particular to talk about because there haven't been any clear triggers for me lately. Her feedback cycle is generally the same thing, think positive thoughts, notice when you're spiraling out of control etc. I'm not saying that wouldn't work, but it's very difficult to put into practice.

Other than that my Lamictal was uped from 200mg to 300mg. I've read that anything over 200mg probably doesn't do anything but I'm willing to try it if it means I stay reasonable stable. At the moment that is not the case but it can be attributed to my sleep problems rather than the bipolar. I HAVE cycled though so I'm very worried. It all started out as a major depressive state and then I started to feel a little better, mellowed out because I didn't have to worry about going to the office; then I started to feel a lot better (mania starts) and my spending shot up and I started a lot of projects among other symptoms. It was more subtle that usual so it was hard to detect but it lasted for a few weeks, much longer than usual. Now I'm going back down. I wish Lithium was an option for me to try for my staple bipolar medication because I've heard it really works for a lot of people. But due to my age (baby making years) they won't consider it an option.

The last two weekends I've cancelled plans, isolated myself from my boyfriend and pretty only slept or stared at the wall and intensely other think everything. I hope these switches in meds kick in soon. I'm getting anxious trying to balance adult responsibilities, work and my relationship as best I can.

So the current regimen:

Morning

• Lamictal 300mg
• Prozac 40mg
• Concerta 36mg
• (many many vitamins)

Daytime

• Xanax 1mg (as needed, up to 2x day)

Night

• Xanax 2mg
• Seroquel 50mg
• Melatonin 6mg

Currently feelings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J61u3wFzl68

Dreams, stress and work from home

Everyday we make choices. I understand I won't always make the best choices but I really need to start pushing myself to make the right ones.

I feel like I've stagnated. Being out of school for half a year feels foreign to me, like it's something I SHOULD be doing still even though I have my degrees. Don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to go back to school but I feel like to move toward my goals I need to do it.

If it were up to me and money wasn't a problem, I would be an artist. I would make so much art that I would sell it on Etsy and make a comfortable living. But I feel like that's a pipe dream that will never happen. I missed my best years to learn and I can't get them back. I could take classes at a local community college but I just don't think that will make me good enough to make a living. Although art is my hobby and dream, I already have so little time with my job to devote to my passion. 

I feel like I'm never doing enough for work, like learning more coding and computer science stuff but every time I try to learn I feel like I never absorb anything. Then I just give up. I don't know if I stuck to it if someday it would just click, I think I've pretty much convinced myself I will never be able to code. This is the problem because in order to get to my short term goal, "the realistic" one, I would need to be a competent coder. I want to work from home. It doesn't really have to be on my own schedule, I can do the 9-5 or whatever, I just feel working from home would be so much better. Or even just going into the office twice a week would relieve the everyday stress I encounter being around people.

I don't feel like I can be myself. With my recent health problems my work has been very helpful. But in the end, I can't just have it the way I want it, at least I don't think so. It's something I would have to bring up but I'm not sure how to approach (working from home 3 days a week) and I'm not sure it's something I can bring up at the moment, after having just been accommodated to work from home for a month straight.

So I'm at a cross road. I don't feel I qualify for a lot of the IT jobs I could do from home. The only realistic thing I think I could do is tech support but I would be taking a big pay cut. So it doesn't seem worth the sacrifice. Now that's not to say I wouldn't take a paycut but ~50% is too much (or that's my guesstimate). So what do I do? Who do I go to? Self searches will only bring me so far, if I don't know what I should be looking for I won't find it. It doesn't help my confidence is in the crapper. But honestly, who do you talk about these life changes? Are adults just supposed to know what to do? I hardly believe that's the case.

So that's my little rant/update on my life. I know no one ever has it easy as an adult, I get that. I just hate that it's a little bit harder for me because of my health. I know things could be worse, but I also think I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. I just wish sometimes. A daydreaming about being an artist or winning the lottery makes me really sad because I know neither of those things will happen for me. I guess I just don't have what it takes to make my dreams into reality. I probably only have myself to blame. I should just be grateful for what I do have. Now I feel like a horrible person. Ugh.

Bipolar II: Major Depression

On the spectrum I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. What does that mean? Well it means I have short cycles of hypo-mania and longer cycles of depression (mostly major depression in my case). The fact that my depression is so incredibly low means I technically am not on the spectrum for Bipolar 2, but that best fits my situation. I fall somewhere between Bipolar 2 and Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified). But for clinical reasons a familiar term needs to be diagnosed.

What is hypo-mania? It's a mild form of mania, which includes symptoms: 

• Mood Changes
• An overly long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood
• Extreme irritability.

Behavioral Changes
• Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts
• Being unusually distracted
• Increasing activities, such as taking on multiple new projects
• Being overly restless
• Sleeping little or not being tired
• Having an unrealistic belief in your abilities
• Behaving impulsively and engaging in pleasurable, high-risk behaviors.

*nimh.nih.gov

In my case I experience most of these symptoms and it goes mostly unnoticed. I'm really the only one who notices when this is happening. Even though I'm being treated for Bipolar disorder, I sometimes still experience these symptoms. So treatment with medication is never really 100% the answer but being aware of when I'm cycling helps me to understand what's going on and reflect on my decisions better to keep myself in check. So mostly I can manage my hypo-mania and I think that's because of my medication regiment and self-awareness.

The other side of Bipolar 2, the depression is really harsh in my case. I wish more people understood depression in general. Major depression is a serious problem for me and can basically incapacitate me. Symotoms include:

• Mood Changes
• An overly long period of feeling sad or hopeless
• Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex.

Behavioral Changes
• Feeling overly tired or "slowed down"
• Having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
• Being restless or irritable
• Changing eating, sleeping, or other habits
• Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide.
• *nimh.nih.gov

So for me, there are days I just can't get out of bed. I also basically stop eating (I only eat when forced to which usually only entails needing to eat something to take my medications). I sleep too much and I never have energy to do anything (not that I want to do anything except stare at the wall and think too much). But this is a serious problem when you're an adult and you have to do your adult job. Before getting treated when these cycles happened, they lasted for a month normally. And it was something I could basically get through by becoming a shut in because I didn't have a job to worry about.

The dilemma I'm facing now is how to balance my depression with my anxiety disorder. Being around a lot of people sets off regular anxiety attacks which can spiral into crying spells. Something you really can't do in the office. Most people won't understand what's happening. For me, the only private place is the bathroom and even then it's not so private because if people hear you they ask if you're okay and that's the last thing you want, people to notice you.

I haven't had a serious depressive cycle in over a year (since I started medication treatment for my Bipolar disorder). So it's really hard for me to navigate my day-to-day. The worse part is sometimes I have good days. Sometimes I can go out of the house and grocery shop or be around people (for short periods of time). But I never know when I'm going to have a good day and when I'm going to have a really, really bad day. And then there's the mixed days where I seem find in the morning/afternoon and I slide downhill in the afternoon/evening.

The most prevalent issues I'm dealing with right now are 1. too much sleep, 2. not eating, 3. low/no concentration, 4. crying spells. Although I feel the other depressive symptoms regularly too.

So right now I'm navigating unknown territory, trying to keep my job while I undergo treatment. I've never heard of anyone going through this issue that I personally know so I don't really have someone I could talk to (although I should get on some forums and read up what others have done). I can schedule appointments after works hours for the most part and we've already adjusted and added meds to help with the issue but it will take time to set in. I don't think I'm allowed to get into details of how I'm working out things with work but I want people to know, there is help. And as afraid as I am of losing my job because of this, I reached out rather than suffering through this very difficult period of time. I personally don't feel qualified to pick up another job like the one I have, so it's really important to me that I keep the one I've got. But there are other options on the table for me to do if this lasts longer than a month.

So really I just hope this post educates people about my disorders and lets people know there is help. I'm not sure how reassuring your HR department might be, but I've found basically everyone I've disclosed to has been very understanding and willing to work with me. If you're in a similar situation reach out to your support system also. Having people to talk to (as much as you don't feel like doing) can give you a little boost to stay in human contact and not go crazy dealing with it on your own. And don't feel like you have to tell everyone. Just tell the people you need to tell in order to get help. Everyone else who is close to you but don't need the details only need to know you are getting help "for medical reasons." Nothing else needs to be disclosed.

Thanks for reading.