Up and down we go, when will it stop? I'll never know...

So recent update on the mental health journey. My work from home stent ended and I'm pretty much in the same boat as before. My social anxiety and GAD are an everyday occurrence and I'm trying to treat it without medication as best I can but I just end up taking a Xanax to calm down enough to concentrate. I'm just not sure how to cope anymore. I kind of think I'm depending on the Xanax even though whenever it happens I try to take 30 minutes to clam myself down before resorting to take the Xanax. But it's happening so often I can't keep it under control. I'm not sure if there's something more daily I could take to manage the anxiety rather then the quick fix Xanax. I've tried Abilify but it didn't work for me.

I'm on a new ADD medication, Concerta because I was concerned on getting hooked on the Ritalin. But now I'm beginning to think that was a bad idea. I don't feel like this new medication is working, now mind you I've only been taking it for a week. It's just the Ritalin kicked in right away, it just had such a short half life, I felt I was popping too many of them even though I was sticking to the directions and on a low dose. This is only one of the minor things I need to treat right now so it's kind of fallen by the wayside but it's really beginning to bother me. Whenever I take the time to just sit down and try to study something, I can't absorb the information. There's just no focus for me. Then  when it gets slow at work, I just web surf and I feel guilty and disgusted at myself that I'm not using every free minute to learn something. Because in the end, I want to move to a different role. I want more freedom and I just don't have those technical skills right now. So I NEED to learn. I'll have to address it sternly in my next appointment if I don't see any improvement by then. I'll probably ask to switch back to the old stuff even though my doctor will have push back. The Ritalin worked, I was just worried about the addiction aspects. Although I honestly don't feel I'm the type to get hooked. But if Ritalin is just a temporary fix I want something else anyway.

Next would be sleep. So the good news, I've been getting consistently sleepy every night around the same time. Now that isn't to say I can FALL asleep easily but my body knows when it's time for bed. So after many different meds (failed Trazodone which was a combo fall asleep and bipolar med to replace Xanax and Latuda; it made me sick if i didn't eat with it and I don't want to be eating at 9/10 pm at night) to FALL asleep we defaulted back to Xanax this week at a higher dose, 2mg. I know it works so I'm happy with that decision. Although now that I think about it, I filled a script for Valium but never started it so I'm not sure if I should have inquired as that as the fall asleep option.

The problem now is STAYING asleep. I'm a pretty light sleeper. I didn't have so much trouble when I was combo-ing Ambien and Xanax (and Latuda as the companion bipolar med), I slept like the dead and it felt great in the morning. But Ambien just magically stopped working. So I had to switch to something else. I started Restorial as my stay asleep med with Trazodone for my go to sleep med but I kept waking up periodically through the night so I never felt rested. I gave it over a month and no changes so I asked to switch to something else. Now with that being said we had eliminated Latuda from my regimen because a higher does made me sick. So we had to replace the companion bipolar medication with something else. Now I'm taking Seroquel. Apparently part of the side effects is sleepiness so it's supposed to be dual purpose for Bipolar and staying asleep. But the problem is that I'm still waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning everyday and not being able to fall back asleep despite staying the bed and trying my hardest to remind myself I still have tons of time I need to sleep. Again it's only been a week so I still have to give it time. I just want a combination that works like Ambien and Xanax did. Sleep is so crucial to my mood stabilization. I know I'm sleeping my life away when I'm taking 9-10 hours a night but it's the only way I feel rested and strong enough to take on a new day with all the challenges of the agonizing anxiety.

We wanted to nip the depression in the bud, so to speak so I started an antidepressant. Now I know from research SSIRs can create a lot of side effects and can even make bipolar worse. I started on a low dose of Prozac and recently uped to 40mg. I'm not sure if it's attributing to anything yet because there are so many other things going on right now. So many medication switches, dose changes and the like. I've tried Cymbalta and Wellbutrin when I was being wrongly diagnosed with depression and neither seemed to have effect at the time, but they might be viable options now if this doesn't work. 

Also on the depression note, I started counselling again with a new therapist. She's nice and I'm interested in her approach to treatment (cognitive behavioral) but I'm not sure it's working for me. I feel like I go into my session anxious because I have nothing particular to talk about because there haven't been any clear triggers for me lately. Her feedback cycle is generally the same thing, think positive thoughts, notice when you're spiraling out of control etc. I'm not saying that wouldn't work, but it's very difficult to put into practice.

Other than that my Lamictal was uped from 200mg to 300mg. I've read that anything over 200mg probably doesn't do anything but I'm willing to try it if it means I stay reasonable stable. At the moment that is not the case but it can be attributed to my sleep problems rather than the bipolar. I HAVE cycled though so I'm very worried. It all started out as a major depressive state and then I started to feel a little better, mellowed out because I didn't have to worry about going to the office; then I started to feel a lot better (mania starts) and my spending shot up and I started a lot of projects among other symptoms. It was more subtle that usual so it was hard to detect but it lasted for a few weeks, much longer than usual. Now I'm going back down. I wish Lithium was an option for me to try for my staple bipolar medication because I've heard it really works for a lot of people. But due to my age (baby making years) they won't consider it an option.

The last two weekends I've cancelled plans, isolated myself from my boyfriend and pretty only slept or stared at the wall and intensely other think everything. I hope these switches in meds kick in soon. I'm getting anxious trying to balance adult responsibilities, work and my relationship as best I can.

So the current regimen:

Morning

• Lamictal 300mg
• Prozac 40mg
• Concerta 36mg
• (many many vitamins)

Daytime

• Xanax 1mg (as needed, up to 2x day)

Night

• Xanax 2mg
• Seroquel 50mg
• Melatonin 6mg

Currently feelings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J61u3wFzl68

The woe of a Saturday in the life

My day started last night. We had a friend over for a favor which turned into a casual chat session, turned munchkin (which I'm beginning to believe I sincerely do not like that game). The original point is that I was up late last night, which threw off my schedule a little bit.

I woke up to go to my dentist appointment, which I was dreading just thinking about the huge, painful needle that would have to be shoved in-between my gums and face. After being shot 3 times last time I went (since the first two didn't numb the correct tooth), I was expecting the same sort of situation. Well, I was right, it really did hurt even with the topical numbing solution they use but luckily I only needed 1 shot. And I didn't even feel the filling procedure at all this time.

So at this point I got to get up a little later then usual (9 am) and my dentist appointment was better than expected. Even the copay wasn't that painful. A little win-win-win here. So you'd say a good start to the day right?

We had lots of errands to run. Firstly, I was determined to have a good, tasty breakfast. Which, to me, usually means going to a restaurant. Not my boyfriend's favorite thing to do but we know of this niche/nook place that has excellent custom breakfasts that he likes. Also I know I like the greek omelette on the usual menu. So we went and, of course, he got something off the specials menu and I got the regular greek omelette. And, of course, his looked better and seemingly tasted better than my meal but regardless, it was good. So we'll say a win.

After figuring out coupons weren't valid yet, I crossed one stop off the list and we headed to the first stop. Best Buy. Now, I don't like Best Buy; I've had some experiences that left a sour taste in my mouth. But we found a hefty gift card for BB and combined with my birthday gift cards for the last few years we had enough to buy a Wii U. We both want the system for various games and it seems the most party friendly so it seems like a good investment on our behalf. So we went to check out. I slammed down my gift-cards excitingly and waited for the clerk to return my third gift card, since we had more on the cards than the price. Well as it turns out, one of my cards had degraded and was missing $12 I expected to be there. Okay so not a big deal, I just paid the difference but still a bummer. A little loss here.

Then we went to stop 2. Jo-Ann's. The place I'm convinced I single handily made my boyfriend hate. There's a good sale on patterns and it recently came to my attention I had bought several patterns in the wrong size (including a specific one I bought materials for a cosplay). So I went find a similar pattern to make my costume with. Turns out they had the same one I needed, in my size, on sale. So a little score there. Also the red tab fabric was on sale 50% off. I recently bought another pattern for a lolita cosplay I'd like to do so I hunted for a cheap fabric in the red tag section. Turns out there was a good fabric, in reasonable colors, reasonably priced (even better with 50% off) with a 1/4 yard more than I needed. Another little score too. Knowing how my boyfriend must have been feeling, I knew I had limited time left to get everything done so I cut myself short and we checked out. Even had a 15% coupon. Score.

At this point the score is 7 good vesus 1 bad. Also at this point I realized I needed to either very quickly finish everything up or eat lunch. We were on a roll and I know how my boyfriend feels about spending money out when we have food at home, so I decided to just go straight to stop 3 and 4. This was a poor decision on my part because my mood rockets out of control when my blood sugar is low. But I stupidly do this fairly often so I figured I could keep my composure until we just get through the last few errands.

We stopped at Petco, grabbed litter and a few toys. A quick in and out. At the same time I started to feel less neutral and more sad. But I wasn't able to pinpoint why. Buyers remorse? Who knows. Just one more stop and we're home free.

We hopped next store to Meijer for the weekly round up. These trips are a story in and of themselves so I'll save you the trouble this time. But we had a short list and we knew pretty much everything we had to get. I dropped him to return the bottles and parked the car. I was back to feeling neutral in a matter of minutes. We were getting snippy with each other but everything was under control. I stopped by the card kiosks to collect all the birthday cards I needed for mom, dad and my boyfriend. Cool, I'm getting them all done at one time, no worries for the rest of the week. That took a long time. Long enough for my boyfriend to finish the cans and come find me and have to hang around a little longer while I decided. We bickered but moved on to the rest of the store.

This is were I started to lose composure. We fought, like couples will, nothing important. We were both tired. But I was feeling the burn; I was hungry and had low blood sugar, angry and irritable but also really upset. So we finished up finally and this is when I came out to my boyfriend that I should have eaten over an hour ago. I wasn't in the danger zone yet but it sparked another fight we've been having because this happens fairly often. I eventually just shut down because I couldn't deal with the guilt and feeling bad about starting another fight about the same thing, not taking care of myself and whatever else was eating at me.

We got home and I lost it. I put away as many groceries as I could and retreated to the bed. Proceeded to put the blanket over my head and sob. Why do I have to feel this way? People don't really talk about this mundane stuffy but they also don't talk about when they lose it. It's like you're shamed for breaking into pieces. I mean, looking over how my day went thus far, it was a good day. But for some reason I couldn't handle anything anymore. I'm also not a very open person about when this happens too; I tend to hide as best I can even from the people who love me. It just makes it worse sometimes when there is someone else there. I think my boyfriend eventually caught on I wasn't just being low-blood-sugar-moody Heather, I'm being there-is-something-wrong Heather.

It's a really weird feeling. When you cry it's an urge. I've learned bottling it up has nasty side effects and when I get it all out (as gross as it sounds similar to throwing up) I feel a lot better after. But when I do it alone it's a lot different from when I do it in front of my boyfriend. It just feels more intense but it lasts much shorter.

So after my crying spell my boyfriend went on to do chores, I feel bad for not helping him but I sort of did help by feeding myself some food even though I'd lost my appetite. And now I'm here, writing this post like a diary of sorts. I'm not sure if it's interesting to anyone or if I really want to share this because I'm afraid it's too boring. But I felt the urge to write so I just found myself here again.

I want to do this more often. But I also want it to be worth while to anyone who follows this. So I'm not sure where that balance lies. I'm going to make a better effort, because even though I'm always busy I really want to take 20 minutes out of at least one day a week and just go over something that happened or talk about my mental illness or share something I learned or something I accomplished. I don't know. I just want to write until I feel something's been said.

On that note I think I'm done for this post.