Hey guys,
Checking in on the personal level. The hyopmania hydroplane is now like a rollercoaster with the broken wheel. Usually I'm up in the air and that keeps me going. Keeps the house clean, keeps chores done, keeps me eating, keeps me making 'lil buds*.
Then there just a smack in the face day. The one where you cry for no detectable reason and sleep the whole time. I had one of those days but it was my boyfriend's birthday. How do you survive a depressive day when I have to try your best to at least seem a little normal?
So far I've just been showing my true emotions. Needy, crying, sleeping and disinterest in doing anything. I'm actually shocked I felt like writing about it. But to recap the med situation, I changed meds almost 2 months ago and nothing has changed except this recent up down about once (a day total) every 1-2 weeks. A real killer when it's on the weekend. At least on a work week day I can pretend myself into a "normal" state and maintain when I get home and don't have much time to wallow. I just do some chores, crawl into bed. Eat and then watch something until I fall asleep early then go to work the next day slightly improved.
I feel someone should be telling me this is a bad habit because I'm sure it's contributing to my work-a-holic situation where I never feel like I'm done working. So I'm constantly on edge never feeling completely free to commit myself to anything because I might be needed to work at a moment's notice (which is what has been happening on my oncall weeks [weeks I'm expected to be available 24/7]). Matt says I need to learn to stop but how do you learn to stop? Especially when it's the crutch you lean so heavily on when the emotions are out of control? I've become very good at forging professional when I'm all torn up; never really that great at putting on my "normal" make up, so to speak.
Continuing on this story, Monday I dropped my phone and it finally broke. As I stared at the screen with tiny fractures and a purple splotch slowly consuming the screen, I panicked on the inside but laughed it off as much as I could on the outside. I've been on a spending bender from the hypomania so by no means do I have 600$ to drop on a brand new phone. And I don't have the time or worth the chances to get one off craigslist.
To make matters worse, I work evenings this week so I need my phone to remote into the network in order to work from home. Since my work starts at 11 pm there is no way I'm going into the office. I had to get a replacement THAT day. My coworkers assured me it would be no problem and I would be able to find a repair shop that could probably fix it on the spot for 100-150$.
Alas this was not even nearly the case. One shop I knew of needed 2-5 business days plus it was going to be 250$ + tax. The next nearest place was closed by time I got there. I went home defeated and gathered up all my old AT&T phones hoping I could unlock one. I pulled out the sim card on the AT&T phone and then pulled out my sim card for my galaxy I noticed the sizes were too different. But somehow I flipped the Verizon sim card into the nothingness of our couch. I searched frantically for about 30-40 minutes before I just completely lost it. I was a crying heap on the floor, unable to function anymore. My boyfriend eventually realized what was happening and tried to get me into bed and calm down but I just collapsed half way to the bedroom. I was utterly defeated. I felt stupid, I kept asking "What am I going to do? I can't find it..." between my sobs. Eventually I got into bed and cried for what seemed like 2 more hours as my boyfriend searched.
Then I realized ok maybe I can get a to go phone and new sim card from a Verizon store. So I found the closest one and pathetically asked my boyfriend to drive me there. My face was red and puffy from crying but we left right away to make sure we got there before they closed. On the outside it said phone repair so I was even more hopeful. When I got in, however he said it would take a few business days and he'd have to call for a quote. I felt defeated again and asked if he had a cheap to go smart phone and if I could get a new sim card. He said no to go phones available but told me to wait while he went into the back. He showed me a used galaxy s5. 175$ plus tax and I could take it home on the spot. I didn't even inspect it. I just disheartingly agreed and gave him my card. We left and then I realized this phone wasn't even wiped yet. Did I just ge myself in a shady situation? Who knows. But I have a phone. I plan to fix my s6 when the screen fixer guys come to my work next month (they visit monthly and fix cracked & broken galaxy phone for 139.99 plus tax. Probably how much I would have spent via insurance replacement). Now don't get me started on the insurance. I TRIED to get the insurance but that's another story.
This is probably the biggest trigger for me. I was already going down on Sunday and Monday my phone was destroyed and I needed a phone to work. I didn't eat at all on Monday from stress. Tuesday rolled up, my work night. Again, I didn't eat at all. I couldn't bare the thought of putting anything into my mouth. I knew I'd just throw it up from the stress. Eventually my boyfriend got me my comfort food. I had one small piece of pizza and felt like crap the rest of the night.
But now the tiniest things are triggering me. And I'm afraid to go back to work tomorrow because putting on a face is going to be a lot of work and work has been crazy. So much human interaction, I can't just immerse myself into my little world of sad songs and work on a project. I have to be on and happy.
I'm considering another extended doctor recommend work from home stay. I did it last year when I got severally depressed and was waiting for meds to kick in. But I'm afraid it will hurt me if I do it again. I'm afraid I'm not allowed. I'm afraid to lose my job. The meds I'm on now (recently with in the last month switched) are not working obviously. We will need to try another and I can't fight the depression and the pressure of work. I do not want to take short term leave because I've heard the horror stories of people being fired after taking one. Employers just find a way to fire you without really letting on it was that you were unstable for a short period of time.
So I'm at a loss. This depression begins to sink in more and more each day, I wake up a zombie, a little bit more of me last each day. It gets harder and harder to do normal things like laundry and typing this post. I burst out in sincere sobs randomly or triggered by the smallest thing. I'm like a time bomb. I remember feeling this way when I was untreated.
So that's my update on day 3 of my decline. Perhaps tomorrow won't be so bad but I'm not counting on it. I know my behavior will start reflecting at work as it gets harder and harder and maybe that will be enough to give me the courage to ask for another month or something of working from home so I don't have to be constantly on. I'll talk to my pdoc about it and see if it's a good idea. I'll talk to my team specialist to see if it's possible. I'll talk to my team leader to let him in on the loop but whatever happens, I hope for a speedy recovery.
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