I feel like I've stagnated. Being out of school for half a year feels foreign to me, like it's something I SHOULD be doing still even though I have my degrees. Don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to go back to school but I feel like to move toward my goals I need to do it.
If it were up to me and money wasn't a problem, I would be an artist. I would make so much art that I would sell it on Etsy and make a comfortable living. But I feel like that's a pipe dream that will never happen. I missed my best years to learn and I can't get them back. I could take classes at a local community college but I just don't think that will make me good enough to make a living. Although art is my hobby and dream, I already have so little time with my job to devote to my passion.
I feel like I'm never doing enough for work, like learning more coding and computer science stuff but every time I try to learn I feel like I never absorb anything. Then I just give up. I don't know if I stuck to it if someday it would just click, I think I've pretty much convinced myself I will never be able to code. This is the problem because in order to get to my short term goal, "the realistic" one, I would need to be a competent coder. I want to work from home. It doesn't really have to be on my own schedule, I can do the 9-5 or whatever, I just feel working from home would be so much better. Or even just going into the office twice a week would relieve the everyday stress I encounter being around people.
I don't feel like I can be myself. With my recent health problems my work has been very helpful. But in the end, I can't just have it the way I want it, at least I don't think so. It's something I would have to bring up but I'm not sure how to approach (working from home 3 days a week) and I'm not sure it's something I can bring up at the moment, after having just been accommodated to work from home for a month straight.
So I'm at a cross road. I don't feel I qualify for a lot of the IT jobs I could do from home. The only realistic thing I think I could do is tech support but I would be taking a big pay cut. So it doesn't seem worth the sacrifice. Now that's not to say I wouldn't take a paycut but ~50% is too much (or that's my guesstimate). So what do I do? Who do I go to? Self searches will only bring me so far, if I don't know what I should be looking for I won't find it. It doesn't help my confidence is in the crapper. But honestly, who do you talk about these life changes? Are adults just supposed to know what to do? I hardly believe that's the case.
So that's my little rant/update on my life. I know no one ever has it easy as an adult, I get that. I just hate that it's a little bit harder for me because of my health. I know things could be worse, but I also think I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. I just wish sometimes. A daydreaming about being an artist or winning the lottery makes me really sad because I know neither of those things will happen for me. I guess I just don't have what it takes to make my dreams into reality. I probably only have myself to blame. I should just be grateful for what I do have. Now I feel like a horrible person. Ugh.
