Bipolar II: Major Depression

On the spectrum I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. What does that mean? Well it means I have short cycles of hypo-mania and longer cycles of depression (mostly major depression in my case). The fact that my depression is so incredibly low means I technically am not on the spectrum for Bipolar 2, but that best fits my situation. I fall somewhere between Bipolar 2 and Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified). But for clinical reasons a familiar term needs to be diagnosed.

What is hypo-mania? It's a mild form of mania, which includes symptoms: 

• Mood Changes
• An overly long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood
• Extreme irritability.

Behavioral Changes
• Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts
• Being unusually distracted
• Increasing activities, such as taking on multiple new projects
• Being overly restless
• Sleeping little or not being tired
• Having an unrealistic belief in your abilities
• Behaving impulsively and engaging in pleasurable, high-risk behaviors.

*nimh.nih.gov

In my case I experience most of these symptoms and it goes mostly unnoticed. I'm really the only one who notices when this is happening. Even though I'm being treated for Bipolar disorder, I sometimes still experience these symptoms. So treatment with medication is never really 100% the answer but being aware of when I'm cycling helps me to understand what's going on and reflect on my decisions better to keep myself in check. So mostly I can manage my hypo-mania and I think that's because of my medication regiment and self-awareness.

The other side of Bipolar 2, the depression is really harsh in my case. I wish more people understood depression in general. Major depression is a serious problem for me and can basically incapacitate me. Symotoms include:

• Mood Changes
• An overly long period of feeling sad or hopeless
• Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex.

Behavioral Changes
• Feeling overly tired or "slowed down"
• Having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
• Being restless or irritable
• Changing eating, sleeping, or other habits
• Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide.
• *nimh.nih.gov

So for me, there are days I just can't get out of bed. I also basically stop eating (I only eat when forced to which usually only entails needing to eat something to take my medications). I sleep too much and I never have energy to do anything (not that I want to do anything except stare at the wall and think too much). But this is a serious problem when you're an adult and you have to do your adult job. Before getting treated when these cycles happened, they lasted for a month normally. And it was something I could basically get through by becoming a shut in because I didn't have a job to worry about.

The dilemma I'm facing now is how to balance my depression with my anxiety disorder. Being around a lot of people sets off regular anxiety attacks which can spiral into crying spells. Something you really can't do in the office. Most people won't understand what's happening. For me, the only private place is the bathroom and even then it's not so private because if people hear you they ask if you're okay and that's the last thing you want, people to notice you.

I haven't had a serious depressive cycle in over a year (since I started medication treatment for my Bipolar disorder). So it's really hard for me to navigate my day-to-day. The worse part is sometimes I have good days. Sometimes I can go out of the house and grocery shop or be around people (for short periods of time). But I never know when I'm going to have a good day and when I'm going to have a really, really bad day. And then there's the mixed days where I seem find in the morning/afternoon and I slide downhill in the afternoon/evening.

The most prevalent issues I'm dealing with right now are 1. too much sleep, 2. not eating, 3. low/no concentration, 4. crying spells. Although I feel the other depressive symptoms regularly too.

So right now I'm navigating unknown territory, trying to keep my job while I undergo treatment. I've never heard of anyone going through this issue that I personally know so I don't really have someone I could talk to (although I should get on some forums and read up what others have done). I can schedule appointments after works hours for the most part and we've already adjusted and added meds to help with the issue but it will take time to set in. I don't think I'm allowed to get into details of how I'm working out things with work but I want people to know, there is help. And as afraid as I am of losing my job because of this, I reached out rather than suffering through this very difficult period of time. I personally don't feel qualified to pick up another job like the one I have, so it's really important to me that I keep the one I've got. But there are other options on the table for me to do if this lasts longer than a month.

So really I just hope this post educates people about my disorders and lets people know there is help. I'm not sure how reassuring your HR department might be, but I've found basically everyone I've disclosed to has been very understanding and willing to work with me. If you're in a similar situation reach out to your support system also. Having people to talk to (as much as you don't feel like doing) can give you a little boost to stay in human contact and not go crazy dealing with it on your own. And don't feel like you have to tell everyone. Just tell the people you need to tell in order to get help. Everyone else who is close to you but don't need the details only need to know you are getting help "for medical reasons." Nothing else needs to be disclosed.

Thanks for reading.